Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize