Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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