I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
