i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
