apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am one with the molecules
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
