someone threw a dead crab at me
Screwed.edu
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
