I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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