you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
