"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
