so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize