Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize