She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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