here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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