I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
