Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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