you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
