The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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