i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
