i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
