The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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