I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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