Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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