at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm too high and old for this...
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