I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
