Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
