I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize
