I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
