SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
