its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
