Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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