Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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