Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize