I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
