Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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