Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Pooping to opera.
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