So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
