I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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