if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
