he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I wish there were birth control emojis
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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