Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
