Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
