ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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