Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
