No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize
