I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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