Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
