No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
