My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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