just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
