I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
