I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
