I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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