I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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