Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
