i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
