This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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