I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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