The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
