I wish I could teleport
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
