i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
