Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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