I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
