My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
