apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize