nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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