giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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