It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
