I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize