OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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