I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize