I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
